Another Year, Another Rememberance Stone

²¹ And he said to the people of Israel, “When your children ask their fathers in times to come, ‘What do these stones mean?’ ²² then you shall let your children know, ‘Israel passed over this Jordan on dry ground.’ ²³ For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you passed over, as the Lord your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, ²⁴ so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, that you may fear the Lord your God forever.” Joshua 4:21-24

Everyone knows the story of Moses and the Red Sea, but did you know God did the same thing a second time for Joshua and the Jordan? Oh, to fight our forgetfulness! 

Each year since God opened my heart and saved me by His grace in 2008, I've made an effort to fight forgetfulness by writing what God has revealed to me through the current year on a stone. I pray that I would never forget His lessons, and that it would heal my heart to fear the LORD! {fear of the Lord means to to have a reverential obedience and making God your only idol}

God's theme for me in 2013 was learning to treasure Christ. It was an amazing year of suffering, grace, mercy, healing, and eyes being opened. 

I've shared my struggle with contentment as a working mom previously, and in May 2013, God soften my heart and allowed me to be content with my circumstances. After becoming content, God revealed to me what He had been up to in my suffering through reading John. God revealed to me that He was not answering my prayer, and allowing me to suffer because He was healing my heart of my idol of money. Did you know that the sin that led to the betrayal of Jesus and resulted in the brutal death of Jesus was an idol of money?! Yep, Judas had been stealing money out of the offerings, and then on the night of the last supper, he betrayed Jesus for money. Judas loved money more than Jesus...and so do I. Convicting.

Suffering is a promise for all those that love and follow God. And I'm so thankful that God allowed me to suffer, and not let me chase after my idol. God is good, and God does good. Yes, even in suffering. 

Over the summer I began to pray for God to gently and mercifully remove my idol of money, and to heal my heart to love and treasure Christ more than money. I was scared out of my mind because I thought that God would heal my heart through even greater suffering. I was anticipating us losing our jobs, our house burning, and living on the streets. Why do I try to expect God's moves? Why do I always go to worst case scenario? God's heart is always on trial. 

God answered my prayer in September 2013 in a very unpredictable way. He blessed me with more money, a better working schedule, and new work responsibilities. What? I was completely shocked. Why would He bless me financially when my idol is money? 

There is so much more to the story of God's movement in my circumstances from giving me Mila, to suffering through an at risk pregnancy, kidney stones, employee chaos, and more. This past year was mixed with blessings and sufferings, and reflecting on this, God revealed to me His theme for this year.

Treasure Me, love Me. Not your circumstances, not your idols. Fear Me and Me alone. 

^"11 ...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. ¹² I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. ¹³ I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13

These verses are often misquoted. The promise isn't that I can do anything I set my mind to...if I dream I will get it...if I work hard my dreams will come true. NO! What Paul is saying is that his circumstances doesn't dictate his joy. Paul's ability to endure life, to do all things, is solely based on treasuring Christ. And, treasuring Christ produces fear of the Lord. That's Paul's strength. 

Oh, to be free from circumstances. Yes God, I see what 2013 was about. Learning to treasure Christ, whether in plenty, suffering, need, or abundance. 

Let this stone be a constant reminder. Let people ask me what these stones mean, so that every person knows the Lord is mighty and good, and all who hear should fear the LORD!

Shake It Out

God's heart is always on trial. 

I was abiding in God through 1Kings when I stumbled across a troubling passage. It was the story of "The Old Prophet and the Man of God", where the man of God was told by the LORD to "not eat bread or drink water, or go back by the way he came". He was obedient until "the old prophet deceived him, and the man of God went back with him, ate bread in his house, and drank water." {1Kings 13:19} The old prophet deceived the man of God by lying and telling the man of God that an angel spoke to him and told him that he should go back with him and eat bread and drink water. {1Kings 13:18} When the man of God left the old prophet's home, he was killed by a lion. {1King 13:24} WHAT?? "He is the man of God who disobeyed the command of the LORD. The LORD has given him to the lion, and it has mauled him and killed him, according to the word of the LORD that He spoke to him." {1Kings 13: 26} 

This week is my one year anniversary of being a working momma. A somber anniversary. I have been reflecting on the past 365 days trying to understand what God has been up to in my working circumstances, my suffering. I realized during my reading of 1Kings 13 that my heart is bent on mistrusting God's heart. When God killed the man of God my heart screamed, "WHAT??". He was tricked, and the old prophet should have been killed instead. God's heart is immediately placed on trial. Is He good? Was killing the man of God good? A fog of doubt slowly rolled in.

I have been living in this fog for the past 365 days. What a gloomy way to live as a half hearted soul trying to see the larger story from a storm. Every day this week I've been asking myself, "why don't I trust God, why do I doubt, what do I believe about His heart, what is He up to in my suffering?". The truth is I question God's heart. Is God's heart really good? Does He really care about me?

Even writing my doubt brings me to an overflow of tears. Will God's heart always be on trial?

The other day, I was listening to a song {Shake It Out by Florence + the Machine} and God spoke to my heart through the chorus:

"Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah! Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah! And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back So shake him off, oh woah!"

It's the fog of doubt that lingers on my back. It's the ancient lie that keeps rolling back. Yes, God I hear You! Shake it out indeed! The lies, the doubts, the lawyer that lives in my flesh that eagerly wants to prosecute God's heart on trial...shake it out. God help me shake it out, shake it out for me! Help my heart believe You are good and that You infinitely love me!

I want to dance with God, but I can't if I'm living in a fog of doubt. So I will search for His heart, shake off the lingering fog, hold on to the Truth, and abide in Him. If this anniversary of suffering continues, I pray that I can say I danced well. I suffered well, trusting my LORD and believing that His heart is good, and that He deeply loves me. Ooh woaaah! 

Growing in Fear of the LORD!

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,
    and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight." Proverbs 9:10

"He will be the sure foundation for your times,
    a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;
    the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure." Isaiah 33:6

"The fear of the Lord means reverent submission that leads to obedience, and it is interchangeable with 'worship,' 'rely on,' 'trust,' and 'hope in.'" Edward T. Welch

I was searching through all my sermon notes from church today, and I found my notes from a sermon titled "Delighting in the Fear of the Lord". Guess the date of this sermon? October 3, 2010. Oh yes, God just did that! This was God's way of confirming to me all that He's been revealing through 1 and 2 Samuel. God is so playful with me!

This is hysterical because as I've been abiding in God through 1 and 2 Samuel, God has been laying on my heart that everything can be broken down into 2 categories: you either fear the Lord or you fear something else {fear of man}.

I've recently shared my personal sin with fear of man, and lately I've been stressed as a new parent about how I will parent Caleb. How will I mold Caleb's heart to love God, to trust Him, to not rebel? How do I parent Caleb to be a man of great faith, and a man after God's heart??

 This is what God has said while I've been asking Him to heal my fear of man, and guide me as a parent:

David Loves People Well:

*2 Samuel 1:12--David wept, fasted, and mourned for both Saul and Jonathan's death!

*2 Samuel 1:19-27--David sings a song about Saul and Jonathan and makes everyone learn it! He really loved Saul.

*2 Samuel 2:5-6--David BLESSES them because they showed kindness to Saul!

*2 Samuel 4:10-11--David loves his enemies well!

Fear of the LORD:

*2 Samuel 6:7 "and God struck him dead on the spot for his irreverence"

*2 Samuel 6:9 "David feared the LORD that day and said, 'How can the ark of the LORD ever come to me?'"

The sermon on "Delighting in the fear of the Lord" says, "The fear of the Lord is the awe and wonder that is demonstrated by humble submission to, unconditional trust in, and sincere obedience to the sovereign rule of God." Yes! That's why David can love Saul and his enemies well, because he fears the LORD! David can love the people that try to KILL him, because he worships and trusts God!  

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell." Matthew 10:28

Did you see 2 Samuel 6:7, "God struck him dead...for his irreverence."? Fear of the LORD is serious to God. God loves to display His Holy love and Holy justice, and invites us to know His true heart, so I should be in awe of how David loves well, and I should be scared out of my mind when God justly kills someone for his irreverence. This awe and fear should produce action, an action of worship, trust, and hope in God. So why am I lacking in action??

If I want to parent Caleb well, and if I want God to heal my fear of man sin, then I must grow in the fear of the LORD! Only then, can I parent and teach Caleb to do the same. Teaching fear of the Lord is the key to good parenting. 

And so, I press on abiding in God through sitting alone at His feet asking Him to reveal Himself through His Word, and praying that He would give me a fierce heart that fears Him alone. That's my prayer for you too.

"The key to learning the fear of the Lord is to stay in scripture. When you are in scripture, pray that God would teach you that he is the Holy One."

"The triune God delights in showing us his grandeur and holiness, and we should never be satisfied with our present knowledge of him. So aspire to the fear of the Lord."--Edward T. Welch, "When People are Big and God is Small" 

linking up at:

Fear of Man

"The fear of man lays a snare,
    but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe." Proverbs 29:25

A few years ago, I heard the term "fear of man" in a service at The Village Church, and I had NO idea what they were talking about. Are you asking yourself "what the hey-honk is fear of man"??

Let me borrow Edward T. Welch's definition of the biblical term "fear of man" from his book, When People are Big and God is Small:

"..the fear of man can be summarized this way: We replace God with people. Instead of a biblically guided fear of the Lord, we fear others. Of course, the 'fear of man' goes by other names. When we are in our teens, it is called 'peer pressure'. When we are older, it is called 'people-pleasing'. Recently, it has been called 'codependency'."

Here is a list of "symptoms" that Edward gives for "fear of man": "struggle with peer pressure, over-committed (hard to say no to things), you 'need' something from your spouse, self-esteem is a critical concern, you feel you might be exposed as an imposter, you second-guess decisions because of what people might think, you feel empty or meaningless, you get easily embarrassed, you tell white lies, you're jealous of others, other people often make you angry or depressed, you avoid people, you diet (the desire for the praise of men), you compare yourself to others (even if you feel more successful than others)."

Now, that you know what I'm talking about, I can share how God has been convicting me of my "fear of man" issues through 1 Samuel. I literally have a list of over 20 verses that I highlighted during this bible study, but these were the "big" ones that God used to convict me of my "fear of man":

**And the Lord said to Samuel, “Obey the voice of the people in all that they say to you, for they have not rejected you, but they have rejected me from being king over them. 1Sam. 8:7

 

 **If you will fear the Lord and serve him and obey his voice and not rebel against the commandment of the Lord, and if both you and the king who reigns over you will follow the Lord your God, it will be well.  But if you will not obey the voice of the Lord, but rebel against the commandment of the Lord, then the hand of the Lord will be against you and your king. 1Sam. 12:14-15

**And Saul was very angry, and this saying displeased him. He said, “They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed thousands, and what more can he have but the kingdom?” And Saul eyed David from that day on. 1Sam. 18:8-9

The Israelites demanded that Samuel provided a king to reign over them, because they wanted to be like the other nations. Fear of man! The Israelites rejected God, and chose to idolize man and the other nations that they so desperately wanted to be like. Fear of Man! Samuel warned the people "fear the LORD and serve him and obey his voice...or else...the hand of the LORD will be against you and your king", but the Israelites didn't care. They chose a king over God. Fear of man! Saul is jealous of an Israelite song because it makes David look better than him...seriously??? A song creates jealousy and then Saul ends up hating and chasing David...he wants to kill David over a song?!?! Fear of man to the highest power!

And every time I read a verse like the ones above, I felt God say "this is you, you are like Saul". Yes, I fear man more than I fear the Lord. God has been working on my heart with this issue for the past year and a half, but has been heavily convicting me of this sin through 1 Samuel.

It's time to fear the Lord, to serve Him, to worship Him alone. Period. May He forgive me and heal me out His mercy and grace.

"Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
    and makes flesh his strength,^[a]
    whose heart turns away from the Lord.
⁶  He is like a shrub in the desert,
     and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
    in an uninhabited salt land.

⁷  “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
     whose trust is the Lord.
⁸  He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

Jer. 17:5-8 

linking up at:

Abiding in God

Have you heard about "Into the Word Wednesday" in the blogging world?? I think this is one of the BEST blog link-up ideas! I decided to join in the fun today, by sharing what God has been revealing to me through His Word lately.

As most of my friends know, I've been doing How to Study the Bible {"HTSTB", a Bible study} since 2009 at The Village Church. Originally, I only joined this bible study group because my home group leader kept asking me to come and check it out. BOY, did God have a plan! I immediately fell in love. The group's devotion is to practice and apply Matt Chandler's HTSTB method, to learn how to "feed" yourself {not rely on a pastor, study guide, or theology books}, walk with God, and learn about God's heart and character. It's how I abide in God.

Since June, we've been walking through 1Samuel and God has been continually repeating the same themes to me. 

God is good and He does good=God's Sovereignty

*1:5 "the LORD had kept her {Hannah} from conceiving"

*2:25 "but they would not listen to their father, since the LORD intended to kill them"

*3:18 "He is the LORD. He will do what He thinks is good."

*4:10-11 "30,000 of the Israelite foot soldiers fell"

*7:2 "then the whole house of Israel began to seek the LORD."

*15:2-3 "Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant"

  

These are just a few of the verses that God revealed to me. This is God's sovereignty: God keeping Hannah from getting pregnant, God intending to kill people, God allowing 30,000+ of His own people to be killed, God commanding His people to kill their enemy's women, children, and babies...and this is good? God is good in this?? YES!!

How can these horrible things be good...the killing of children...Hannah's infertility? I am forever indebted to John Piper and his book Spectacular Sins for unpacking this truth:

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.  For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him." Colossians 1:15-16 "All that came into being exists for Christ--that is, everything exists to display the greatness of Christ. [...]from the greatest saint to the most wicked genocidal dictator--everything that exists, exists to make the greatness of Christ more fully known..." {John Piper}

As Christians, we know God is sovereign. He is in control, but do we trust Him? I don't. This is still my greatest struggle. When I watch my closest friends go through infertility and miscarriages, when I watch the news at night full of violence and death, when I struggle with understanding why there is sin in the world {and Satan} and why God just doesn't get rid of it all...I turn to Colossians 1:15-16, it's for God's glory. God is good and He does good! 

After every "hard" verse in 1Samuel, I wrote in my journal "God is good, and He does good!". My hope is, one day I will live from a heart that fully believes and knows how good God is and how He does good, always. Then, and only then, will I trust Him.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
     whose trust is the Lord.
⁸  He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

Jer. 17:7-8

Waiting.

Waiting is not an easy task for me. And oddly enough, neither is resting. I find myself in the midst of a season of being taught, and painfully refined, to wait and find rest in God. 

I wish I could share more details on what I'm waiting for, but hubby and I are keeping that private for right now {I hope you can understand}. 

My study in Numbers has come to an end, and I stand in awe of the perfect timing this study has been in my life. I feel like I'm a fellow Israelite wandering in the desert. Waiting. Waiting on the Lord to move, to include me in on His big plan, to answer our prayer, and to show me how to "rest" in Him. 

I've shared my struggle with waiting before, and now I feel like God has been revealing to me {through Numbers} that waiting is good for my soul. It's forcing me to depend on God, to seek Him, to abide in Him, to know His heart, and to trust Him.

Things have drastically changed this past month. I'm still waiting, but I feel a blanket of peace covering my heart. The goodness of waiting is beginning to slowly make my heart whole and pointing it towards joy in Christ.

Lauren wrote a beautiful post awhile back about Hannah {and waiting} and it brought such hope and joy to my day:

"So, He ordained a waiting for Hannah. Not just for her son Samuel but for her soul as well. He knew the best thing for her heart was to come to the end of itself. To reach the point that there was no way she could ever glue the pieces back together."

Yes, waiting isn't easy. Releasing my tightly clenched grasp to a false sense of control isn't easy. So, I must learn to wait. Wait for God. Wait for His Word. Wait for Him to move. And maybe, just maybe I will finally learn to rest. Rest in knowing and believing that God is good. That His heart is good and He does good. Especially in times of waiting.

 {my "Stones of Remembrance" where I save what God is revealing to me}