Shake It Out

God's heart is always on trial. 

I was abiding in God through 1Kings when I stumbled across a troubling passage. It was the story of "The Old Prophet and the Man of God", where the man of God was told by the LORD to "not eat bread or drink water, or go back by the way he came". He was obedient until "the old prophet deceived him, and the man of God went back with him, ate bread in his house, and drank water." {1Kings 13:19} The old prophet deceived the man of God by lying and telling the man of God that an angel spoke to him and told him that he should go back with him and eat bread and drink water. {1Kings 13:18} When the man of God left the old prophet's home, he was killed by a lion. {1King 13:24} WHAT?? "He is the man of God who disobeyed the command of the LORD. The LORD has given him to the lion, and it has mauled him and killed him, according to the word of the LORD that He spoke to him." {1Kings 13: 26} 

This week is my one year anniversary of being a working momma. A somber anniversary. I have been reflecting on the past 365 days trying to understand what God has been up to in my working circumstances, my suffering. I realized during my reading of 1Kings 13 that my heart is bent on mistrusting God's heart. When God killed the man of God my heart screamed, "WHAT??". He was tricked, and the old prophet should have been killed instead. God's heart is immediately placed on trial. Is He good? Was killing the man of God good? A fog of doubt slowly rolled in.

I have been living in this fog for the past 365 days. What a gloomy way to live as a half hearted soul trying to see the larger story from a storm. Every day this week I've been asking myself, "why don't I trust God, why do I doubt, what do I believe about His heart, what is He up to in my suffering?". The truth is I question God's heart. Is God's heart really good? Does He really care about me?

Even writing my doubt brings me to an overflow of tears. Will God's heart always be on trial?

The other day, I was listening to a song {Shake It Out by Florence + the Machine} and God spoke to my heart through the chorus:

"Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah! Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah! And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back So shake him off, oh woah!"

It's the fog of doubt that lingers on my back. It's the ancient lie that keeps rolling back. Yes, God I hear You! Shake it out indeed! The lies, the doubts, the lawyer that lives in my flesh that eagerly wants to prosecute God's heart on trial...shake it out. God help me shake it out, shake it out for me! Help my heart believe You are good and that You infinitely love me!

I want to dance with God, but I can't if I'm living in a fog of doubt. So I will search for His heart, shake off the lingering fog, hold on to the Truth, and abide in Him. If this anniversary of suffering continues, I pray that I can say I danced well. I suffered well, trusting my LORD and believing that His heart is good, and that He deeply loves me. Ooh woaaah!