Thursday, December 20, 2012

Learning to Trust

God's heart is good and He does good. I hope one day I will live from a heart that fully believes this truth.

The past couple of months have been hard. Really hard. I feel as though God has stopped listening to my prayers. My strength is fading after praying the same prayer for over 2 years now. There are no changes, but the same waiting. In this Christian life, we are promised suffering so I should not be surprised. What does surprise me, is how painful it hurts. My family is healthy, my child is alive, and I live in the suburbs, so I feel like a silly child voicing the pain. But this is my pain. My suffering

Since the moment we started trying to have a baby I prayed. "Lord, let me give birth to a healthy baby! Please allow me the privileged to be a mother, and help us financially so that I can be a stay-at-home-mom!" God chose to not answer the second part of the prayer, because He is good and He does good. {Lord, let my heart believe this TRUTH!}

God has been so gracious in providing a part-time job for me, so that I have the ability to contribute financially to our family and see my sweet boy during the day. The suffering is, I don't want to work. Bryan paid for 100% of his college, and I paid for 50% of my college...meaning we have student loans. We're in debt. Until we pay off our student loans, we cannot afford to lose my part-time income. 

My heart's desire is to have one job, not two. To be a mother {teacher, caregiver, wife, home organizer}. With two jobs {Mother + Director of Operations}, I feel like I can't do either well. The days that I feel like a successful mother {Caleb is learning, we've played together, dinner is made, the house is cleaned} are the days I'm late to work in the morning or missing a report. The days I'm a successful employee are the days that the house looks like a farm and Caleb is crying because dinner is an hour late {and it's pizza for the third time that week}. 

I live in constant chaos trying to balance work plus motherhood. I'm emotionally exhausted, and my heart grows tired of praying the same prayer. God rescue me from my self-inflicted financial mistakes! 

My heart cries a little more each time Caleb motions for his babysitter to pick him up instead of me. I'm thankful for MT loving my baby and caring for him while I work, but I long to be the only woman in my son's life.

I've held tight to God during the pain and the chaos, but I'm tired. I'm exhausted from the pain of unanswered prayers, and from the hot fire of refinement. I want my heart to believe the truth, and to treasure Christ, but the pain from sanctification born through suffering is a wearisome journey. 

I continue to seek His face through His Word, and when the flames feel as if the heat will overcome me, His Word gives me just enough water to survive.

"O Lord, how long shall I cry for help,
    and you will not hear?" Habakkuk 1:2

"Look among the nations, and see;
    wonder and be astounded.
For I am doing a work in your days
    that you would not believe if told." Habakkuk 1:5

Yes, the righteous person {like Habakkuk} trusts completely in the Lord, pleading for mercy and waiting patiently on the Lord. May God change my heart!

Tales of Beauty for Ashes


  1. Hi Vivs, my heart cries as I read your prayer. Perhaps you think that staying at home mom is the best world for you. Not sure if that would be the perfect setting for you and you would live happily ever after.
    I stayed at home with all of you for 20 yrs and so many times then & now I've had regrets. If I only had kept my full time job for the 1st 10 yrs, then part-time for the last 10...who knows, what changes we would have experienced.
    Any how, one thing I know now is that I need to learn to be content with my current life. Perhaps pray for God to help you balance this life combo that you live day to day; not to make you give up in your heart's desire to stay home, but to help you cop while you wait for HIS time & HIS day to answer your prayer.
    I will pray with you & for you.
    Love you.

  2. Know that you are not alone in this struggle of God's timing and his plans. I am a full time stay at home mom and let me assure you there are days I wish I was working. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls and even if the opportunity to work arose, I don't think I could take the job. I can't imagine leaving them day to day, so I know your hearts pain. I will say though that learning to stay at home and be wife and mother has also been a very hard adjustment, and finally after 2+ years, I am starting to be content with his plans for our family and {my} decision to stay home. I always thought this is what I would want to do, and it is, but it was a very hard adjustment to begin with. God knows your pains and your joys. Trust him always {even though it isn't easy}!!


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