Learning to Trust

God's heart is good and He does good. I hope one day I will live from a heart that fully believes this truth.

The past couple of months have been hard. Really hard. I feel as though God has stopped listening to my prayers. My strength is fading after praying the same prayer for over 2 years now. There are no changes, but the same waiting. In this Christian life, we are promised suffering so I should not be surprised. What does surprise me, is how painful it hurts. My family is healthy, my child is alive, and I live in the suburbs, so I feel like a silly child voicing the pain. But this is my pain. My suffering. 

Since the moment we started trying to have a baby I prayed. "Lord, let me give birth to a healthy baby! Please allow me the privileged to be a mother, and help us financially so that I can be a stay-at-home-mom!" God chose to not answer the second part of the prayer, because He is good and He does good. {Lord, let my heart believe this TRUTH!}

God has been so gracious in providing a part-time job for me, so that I have the ability to contribute financially to our family and see my sweet boy during the day. The suffering is, I don't want to work. Bryan paid for 100% of his college, and I paid for 50% of my college...meaning we have student loans. We're in debt. Until we pay off our student loans, we cannot afford to lose my part-time income. 

My heart's desire is to have one job, not two. To be a mother {teacher, caregiver, wife, home organizer}. With two jobs {Mother + Director of Operations}, I feel like I can't do either well. The days that I feel like a successful mother {Caleb is learning, we've played together, dinner is made, the house is cleaned} are the days I'm late to work in the morning or missing a report. The days I'm a successful employee are the days that the house looks like a farm and Caleb is crying because dinner is an hour late {and it's pizza for the third time that week}. 

I live in constant chaos trying to balance work plus motherhood. I'm emotionally exhausted, and my heart grows tired of praying the same prayer. God rescue me from my self-inflicted financial mistakes! 

My heart cries a little more each time Caleb motions for his babysitter to pick him up instead of me. I'm thankful for MT loving my baby and caring for him while I work, but I long to be the only woman in my son's life.

I've held tight to God during the pain and the chaos, but I'm tired. I'm exhausted from the pain of unanswered prayers, and from the hot fire of refinement. I want my heart to believe the truth, and to treasure Christ, but the pain from sanctification born through suffering is a wearisome journey. 

I continue to seek His face through His Word, and when the flames feel as if the heat will overcome me, His Word gives me just enough water to survive.

"O Lord, how long shall I cry for help,
    and you will not hear?" Habakkuk 1:2

"Look among the nations, and see;
    wonder and be astounded.
For I am doing a work in your days
    that you would not believe if told." Habakkuk 1:5

Yes, the righteous person {like Habakkuk} trusts completely in the Lord, pleading for mercy and waiting patiently on the Lord. May God change my heart!